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ALL FOR JOBS
Canada
A man walks into a grocery store. "I would like half a head of
lettuce."
The teenager working there answers him "Sorry sir, we only sell full
heads of lettuce."
"But I only want half a head"
'Sorry, but we can't do that"
Getting angry, the man demands that the boy speak to the manager. So
the teenager goes back to the manager, and tells him "Sir, there is some asshole in the store who wants half a head of lettuce." Just
then he turns around and sees the customer directly behind him. "And
this gentleman wants the other half."
The manager deals with the customer, then goes to the teenager "Son, I
am really impressed how quick you were on your feet today. Where are you from?"
"I'm from Canada."
"Oh" says the manager "Why did you leave?"
"There's nothing in Canada but hockey players and sluts."
The manager replies "My wife is from Canada!"
"Really, what team did she play for?"
Bad Day at Work
<![CDATA[
April, 1998 </p>
<p>Hi Sue, </p>
<p>Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of
year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a
diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to
the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds
like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I
do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even
worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my
back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to
my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was
an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to
the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless
to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface
wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.
When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the
chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my
asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been
prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about
how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I
hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will
make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Brian
</p>
</font>
<p><a name="Are You Kidding?"><font face="Arial" size="4" color="#FF0000"><b>Are You Kidding?</b></font></a>
<font face="arial, helvetica">
<br>
<br>
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person<br>
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary<br>
were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood<br>
of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."<br>
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5<br>
weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,<br>
a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary,<br>
and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"<br>
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"<br>
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."<br>
</p>
</font>
<p><b><font size="4" face="Arial" color="#FF0000"><a name="Job Codes">Job Codes</a></font></b>
</p>
<font face="arial, helvetica">
<p>It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
time sheets that specify large amounts of miscellaneous unproductive time.<br>
<br>
It has become a problem not knowing exactly what you are doing with your
unproductive time. Below is a list of new job codes and a description for
each code based on observations of employee activities. The list will
allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your
unproductive time.<br>
<br>
Please begin using this job code list immediately!<br>
<br>
05000 Surfing the Net<br>
05001 Reading/Writing Social E-mail<br>
05002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes 05003, 05004)<br>
05003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail<br>
05004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail<br>
05005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail<br>
05317 Obstructing communications at meeting<br>
05318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting<br>
05319 Waiting for Break<br>
05320 Waiting for Lunch<br>
05321 Waiting for End of Day<br>
05322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker<br>
05323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present<br>
05393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend<br>
05400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in
Learning<br>
05401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid<br>
05402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You<br>
05481 Buying Snack<br>
05482 Eating Snack<br>
05500 Filling Out Time Sheet<br>
05501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries<br>
05502 Waiting for Something to Happen<br>
05503 Scratching Myself<br>
05504 Sleeping<br>
05510 Feeling Bored<br>
05600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code 05610)<br>
05601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code 05610)<br>
05602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code 05610)<br>
05603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes 05322, 05323)<br>
05604 Bitching about Boss (see code 05610)<br>
05605 Bitching about Personal Problems<br>
05610 Searching for a New Job<br>
05640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching<br>
05701 Not Actually Present at Job<br>
05702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu<br>
06102 Ordering Out<br>
06103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive<br>
06104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food<br>
06200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit<br>
06201 Stealing Company Goods<br>
06203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls<br>
06206 Gossiping<br>
06207 Planning a Social Event<br>
06221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching<br>
06222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job<br>
06223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers<br>
06224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks<br>
06238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing<br>
06601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code 06603)<br>
06602 Complaining<br>
06603 Writing a Book on Company Time<br>
06604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time<br>
06611 Staring Into Space<br>
06612 Staring at Computer Screen<br>
06615 Transcendental Meditation<br>
07281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)<br>
07400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone<br>
07401 Talking with Plumber on Phone<br>
07402 Talking with Dentist on Phone<br>
07403 Talking with Doctor on Phone<br>
07404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone<br>
07405 Talking with House Painter on Phone<br>
07406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone<br>
07419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone<br>
07425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code 07400)<br>
07931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity<br>
08000 Recreational Drug Use<br>
<br>
]]>Late
A guy works a new job. One Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in
today. I'm sick.' He works the rest of the week, but the following
Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in today, I'm sick.'
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, 'He's great. He
does the work of two men. We need him.' So the boss calls the guy
into his office, and says, 'You seem to have a problem getting to work on
Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the
problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?'
The guy says, 'No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks
every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go
over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and
cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking
her.'
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
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