"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact  a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
    "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking in the  lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
     Pilot -"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to  switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if  you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."  And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope  you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we  enjoyed taking you for a  ride."
    As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of  us, some of the passengers were  beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom,
     "This  aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors  the  cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats  until   the  aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
  strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
 
    Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our  cruising   altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching  to  autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you
 for   the  rest of the flight."
 
       As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington  National, a  lone  voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" 
 
       "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the  overhead  area.  Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before  assisting  children or adults acting like children."
 
       "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your   belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among  the   flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
 
       "Last one off the plane must clean it."
 
       And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to  have  some  of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately  none of  them  are on this flight...!
 
       Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt  Lake    City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was  quite  a  bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it
  wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the   flight  attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"
 
       An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had  hammered his    ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which  required    the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
 give a    smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in  light of   his  bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the  eye,   thinking  that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone  had   gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She  said,   "Sonny,  mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the  pilot,   "what is  it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we  shot   down?"
 
       Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a    particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the  Captain   was  really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing,
 the   Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and  Gentlemen,   welcome to  Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat  belts   fastened while  the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the   gate!"
 
       Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
 "We    ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to  the    terminal."
 
       After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,  a    flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take  care when    opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
 that,   sure  as hell everything has shifted."
 
       From a Southwest Airlines employee....  "Welcome aboard Southwest  Flight   XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into  the    buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt,
 and if   you  don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in   public unsupervised.
 
       In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will   descend  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull  it over   your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
 mask   before  assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small   children, decide now which one you love more. 
 
      Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,  but    they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and  remember,  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
 Airlines." 

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