MCP JOKES

23 Rules Guys wish Girls knew......

The Perfect Joke

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.

  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
  stopped to help.

  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.   Soon they were driving
  along delivering the toys.  Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated   and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

  Who was the survivor?





  The perfect woman.

  She's the only one that really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

  *  A Male's Response  *

  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

A man  just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his
bedside. His eyes  fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."to his wife

             She was Flattered, and continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
             Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."to his wife

             "What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.

             "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

               A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled
               across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and
               out popped a genie.

               The genie said "OK, OK.  You released me from the lamp,
               blah blah blah.  This is the fourth time this month and
               I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can
               forget about three.  You only get one wish!"  The man
               sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
               always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly
               and I get very seasick.

               Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
               over there to visit?"

               The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible.  Think
               of the logistics of that!  How would the supports ever
               reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much
concrete...how
               much steel!!  No-think of another wish."

               The man said OK and tried to think of a really good
               wish.   Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced
               four times.  My wives always said that I don't care and
               that I'm insensitive.  So, I wish that I could understand
               women....know how they feel inside and what they're
               thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know
               why they're crying, know what they really want when
               they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly
happy...."

               The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

> MOM:  How was work?
>
> DAUGHTER:  The men left the office to play golf, while the rest of us
> kept
> things running.
>
> MOM:  It's still a man's world, isn't it?
>
> DAUGHTER:  Please, mom.  This is the '90s.
>
> MOM:  Ah yes.  The decade in which women are discharged from hospitals
>
> immediately after childbirth and mastectomies.  There's no financial
> support for birth control or childcare - but introduce VIAGRA and
> SHAZAM! 
> Money pours in from everywhere!
>
> DAUGHTER:  Hey YEAH!  Why is that???
>
> MOM:  The Eiffel Tower, Empire State Building, The Space Needle ...
>                 Up is very important to them!

I'm sure you two will find these amusing....................
>
>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able
>to support you.
>
>Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>So they can stand closer to the sink.
>
>How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
>When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
>How do you fix a woman's watch?
>You don't need to..there's a clock on the oven!
>
>Why do men pass gas more than women?
>Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
>
>Why were shopping carts invented?
>To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
>
>Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to
>shoot it.
>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
>front door, who do you let in first?
>The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
>
>One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what?  I got a set of golf clubs for
>my wife!"
>The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
>
>All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
>apart.
>How many men does it take to open a beer?
>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
>A woman that won't do what she's told!
>
>How many women does it take to paint a wall?
>It depends on how hard you throw them.
>
>What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
>Pregnant.
>
>I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
>I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
>Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I
>take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should
>she?
>What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
>Divorced.
>
>Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
>Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
>Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90
>percent.... Wedding cake!!!
>
>Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
>
Marriage is a wonderful institution- for people who'd like to live in an institution!!

Great to be a guy

Reasons it's great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every
shot of somebody crying.All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.Your last name stays
put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me".The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.One mood, all the time
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's
just too skeevy.You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're
wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotchadjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.You don't mooch off others'
desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a littlegift.
Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your other friends you've changed.Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong buddies.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
you're not allowed to cry.Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
You have to wear ties.You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:  "Wife wanted". 
Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same
thing...
"You can have mine."