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TECHNICAL HELPDESK JOKES
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech
asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
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Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document backto the
sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for
me?"
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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet,
right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh....uh...yeah."
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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it
was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe
in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
filing cabinet...Is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
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Customer: "My computer crashed!"
> > > >Tech Support: "It crashed?"
> > > >Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
> > > >Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete
> > to reboot."
> > > >Customer: "No, it didn't crash- IT crashed."
> > > >Tech Support: "Huh?"
> > > >Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said
> > before. I crashed my
> > > >spaceship and now it doesn't work."
> > > >Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
> > > >Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do
> > that?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >I had been doing Tech Support for
> > Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for
> > > >about a month when I had a customer call with a
> > problem I just couldn't
> > > >solve. She could not print yellow. All the other
> > colors would print fine,
> > > >which truly baffled me because the only true
> > colors are cyan, magenta,
> > > >and yellow. For instance, green is a combination
> > of cyan and yellow, but
> > > >green
> > > >printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed
> > fine except for yellow.
> > > >I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had
> > the customer delete and
> > > >reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my
> > coworkers for help;
> > > >they offered no new ideas. After over two hours
> > of troubleshooting, I was
> > > >about to tell the customer to send the printer in
> > to us for repair when
> > > >she asked
> > > >quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of
> > white paper instead of this
> > > >yellow paper?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >A man attempting to set up his new printer called
> > the printer's tech
> > > >support number, complaining about the error
> > message: "Can't find the
> > > >printer." On the phone, the man said he even held
> > the printer up in front
> > > >of the screen, but the computer still couldn't
> > find it.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >Another user was all confused about why the
> > cursor always moved in the
> > > >opposite direction from the movement of the
> > mouse. She also complained
> > > >that the buttons were difficult to depress. She
> > was very embarrassed when
> > > >we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail
> > pointed away from her.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help
> > with a Windows
> > > >installation that had gone terribly wrong.
> > > >Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work
> > to install them on my
> > > >home computer. Training stresses that we are "not
> > the Software Police,"
> > > >so I let the little act of piracy slide.
> > > >Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
> > > >Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out
> > they weren't initialized."
> > > >Tech Support: "Do you remember the message
> > exactly, ma'am?"
> > > >Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is
> > not a Macintosh disk.
> > > >Would you like to initialize it?'"
> > > >Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
> > > >Customer: "After they were initialized, all the
> > disks appeared to be
> > > >blank. Now that I've brought them back to work, I
> > can't read them in the
> > > >A drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is
> > our only set of Windows
> > > >disks for the whole office. Did I do something
> > wrong?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >This guy calls in to complain that he gets an
> > "Access Denied" message
> > > >every time he logs in. It turned out he was
> > typing his username and
> > > >password in capital letters.
> > > >Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use
> > lower case letters."
> > > >Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my
> > keyboard."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >Email from a friend:
> > "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet
> > afternoon. He noticed a
> > > >young woman sitting in front of one of the
> > workstations with her arms
> > > >crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
> > After about 15 minutes
> > > >he noticed that she was still in the same
> > position, only now she was
> > > >impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she
> > needed help and she replied
> > > >: "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over
> > twenty minutes ago!"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > ------
> > > >
> > > >After experiencing difficulties with his
> > computer, a poor, incognizant
> > > >user called the system maker's technical support
> > line for assistance...
> > > >Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
> > > >Customer: There's smoke coming from the power
> > supply on my computer...
> > > >Technician: Looks like you need a new power
> > supply...
> > > >Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the
> > startup files...
> > > >Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty
> > power supply. You need to
> > > >replace it...
> > > >Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had
> > to change the system
> > > >startup files to fix the problem! All I need is
> > for you to tell me the
> > > >right command...
> > > >For the next ten minutes, in spite of the
> > technician's efforts to explain
> > > >the problem and its solution, the customer
> > adamantly insisted that he was
> > > >right. So, in frustration, the technician
> > responded...
> > > >Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our
> > customers this, but
> > > >there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix
> > the problem...
> > > >Customer: I knew it!
> > > >Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM"
> > at the end of the
> > > >CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine.
> > Let me know how it
> > > >goes...
> > > >About ten minutes later, the technician received
> > a call back from the
> > > >customer...
> > > >Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is
> > still smoking...
> > > >Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you
> > using?
> > > >Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
> > > >Technician: Well, that's your problem. That
> > version of DOS doesn't
> > > >include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft
> > and ask them for a
> > > >patch. Let me know how it all works out...
> > > >When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang
> > again...
> > > >Customer: I need a new power supply...
> > > >Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
> > > >Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the
> > technician what you said,
> > > >and he started asking me questions about the make
> > of the power supply...
> > > >Technician: What did he tell you?
> > > >Customer: He said my power supply isn't
> > compatible with NOSMOKE.
> > > >
>
>
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