ANALYSIS

THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD!!!

• NAME: Trouser Snake  (Expetirious Trouseris)
•  
• DESCRIPTION;  One eyed , with mushroom-shaped head (others types may come with extra layers of skin)
  *Varying from pink to black.
  *Fang-less with a highly venomous spit ( Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet).
  *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
  SYMPTOMS; This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,  resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by  excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
  
• *WARNING*
  BEWARE: It has been know to attack men in the lower abdomen !!!!!!!
  HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms. Likes dark damp caves. but has been known to appear in the most unusual places .
  ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccines are available for women. However  once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
  WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
  *TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is already too deep in the body to be affected.
  *CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and  ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks  anyhow.
  *SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim ,but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
  ANTI-VENOM:
  1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
  2.Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
  3.This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid,  and start spitting.
  4.The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on  the  milker and the last time the snake attacked.
  5.Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 10-20 minutes.
  
• CONCLUSION: This snake , although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect ,makes a wonderful pet.

The Annual Scientific Inquiry into Santa Claus

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1)  No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are  insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down  the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under  the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get  back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of  these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which,  of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations  we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total  trip of 75-1/2  million miles, not countingstops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31
hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second (3,000 times the speed of sound).  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This
increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II.

5)  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy,  per second, each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion:  If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.