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ANIMAL JOKES
 Jumping
Rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The
dirver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the
side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he
began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road
and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked this man what
was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over
to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50
meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be
in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that
rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent
Wave."
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Little
Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods and out hopped a
rabbit, and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, a
big bad wolf is going to jump out from behind a tree, rip off your blouse
and fondle your breasts."
At this, Little Red Riding Hood just continued walking.
At the next turn, a fawn came out from behind a tree and said, "Little
Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, a big bad wolf is going to jump out
from behind a tree, rip off your blouse and fondle your breasts."
Little Red Riding just smiled and continued on her walk.
After a little while longer, a small bird swooped out of the trees and said,
"Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, a big bad wolf is
going to jump out from behind a tree, rip off your blouse and fondle your
breasts."
Little Red Riding Hood just smiled again and continued on her walk.
Then, within 100 yards, the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and
said, "I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I am gonna rip your blouse off and
fondle your breasts".
Little Red Riding Hood just continued to smile, reached into her basket,
pulled out a 44 and said, "No, you're gonna eat me, just like the story
says."
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Rooster
A farmer, upset with his low yield of eggs, decided to go to
town to buy a fresh rooster who could liven things up a bit with his hens.
The man at the supply store told him he wished he could help, but all he had
was this incredible randy rooster. "But that's just what I
need!" the farmer said.
The store owner said, "Not this rooster, he's trouble. I've never
seen anything so horny." But the farmer insisted and eventually
took the rooster home on the condition that he wouldn't ever return it.
Once home, the rooster jumped into the hen house and nailed
every hen repeatedly until they were all exhausted and nearly dead.
Undaunted, the rooster
hopped the fence and got in with the ducks, repeating the scene with the
hens
and wiping out all the ducks. He then leaped another fence and
proceeding to
nail all the geese. This continued for three days until all the farm
birds that were left alive lay gasping. The farmer found the rooster
prostrate in the middle the yard, with buzzards circling overhead.
"Serves you right." said the farmer, at which point
the rooster rose, pointed
overhead, winked, and said, "Shhhhhhhhh."
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Too much manure
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile
of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his
last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had
eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning
up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped
off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit
the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of
shit.
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Hunting Bear
A man was going hunting when he came across a huge brown bear. He aimed his
rifle and as he looked through his scope he saw nothing but brown. The bear
had charged him before he could get a shot off.
The bear knocked the rifle out of the hunter's hands, and threw the hunter
to the ground. The bear then got on top of the hunter's chest and
began pouncing on him.
The hunter in desperation screamed out, "Lord, please make this bear a
Christian bear". I
Immediately the bear got off the hunter and kneeled by his side and started
to say a prayer. "Lord bless this food I am about to receive,
Amen".
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Virile
Bull
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to
see
how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats
grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks
very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through
the fence,
and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.".
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that
bull?".
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like
peppermint."
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The
princess and the frog
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks
down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up she comments on
the creatures
rather hideous appearance:
Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!
Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.
Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.
Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.
Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?
Frog: I don't know lady a spell this bad will probably take a blow
job.
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Some fun with a chicken and an egg..........
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette
with
a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put
out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular, "Hmm, well I guess we
answered THAT question."
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Compassionate
blind man
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic
zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the
traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers
try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the
other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your
dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out
where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
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The
Doggy Story
The Taco Bell chihuahua, a doberman, and a bulldog are in a
doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female collie comes in. The Taco
Bell chihuahua, the doberman, and the bulldog each approach the collie for a
date. Not being able to make a choice, the Collie says, "Whoever can
say liver and cheese creatively in a sentence can be my date."
So the doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The collie says, "That's not good enough."
The bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says,
"That's not creative."
Finally, the chihuahua says, "Liver alone ... cheese mine."
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Smart
Dog
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops
her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that
your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved
nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like
crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the
book!"
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Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig,
the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said,
"I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." And
he did!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said " Let
me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig
let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna
huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did!
The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house
and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses down and
we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught
up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house
down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick
pig were so scared! But
the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.
A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big black stretch limo drove
up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge
pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit
out of him. Then, One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth.
Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and
drove off.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig,
"Who the hell were those guys?" And the brick pig said "Oh,
those are my cousins ...the Guinea Pigs."
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