This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The
author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
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3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR
COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls
and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I
cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of
water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by
the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build
large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a
ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I
bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room
that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada,
I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I
frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of
life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won
bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling
bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.