Bill Clinton Jokes

• Ronald Reagan, George Bush, John Major and Bill Clinton went to see the Wizard of Oz. Bush spoke first and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I
  wish to have a Heart". So the Wizard said,"So be it".
  
  Second was Reagan. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no
  commonsense...I wish to have a Brain". The Wizard said, "So be it".
  
  Third was John Major. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction...I wish to have some Courage". The Wizard obliged.
  
  Finally Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
  
  To which Clinton replied, "Nothing, I'm here for Dorothy!"

• Moses is up in Heaven and is watching all this Bill  Clinton stuff on one of Heaven's TV's.
  
  Needless to say, he is pretty disturbed by all these sexual things being played out in the Oval Office,
  
  So he goes up to God and asks, "God, I've been watching all that has been going on with Bill Clinton down on Earth and frankly I'm pretty upset about it. Is there anyway you could add an 11th commandment to try to curb all this activity?"
  
  God says to Moses, "Well, that isn't a bad idea.
  
  Come back tomorrow morning and let me think about it tonight." So, Moses leaves and God begins to ponder weather he should add an 11th commandment and if so, what it would be.
  
  Moses comes back the next morning andasks God, "Well, God, did you decide to come up with a new commandment?"
  
  "Yes," God says, "How about this one: Do not show thy rod to thy staff."
  
• The Bill Clinton version: My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

• Bill Clinton's Famous speech about his relation with Monica

Members of Congress .  .  . people of America .  .  . I banged her. 

I banged her like a cheap gong.  Which is not news, folks, because if  you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. 

The only babes in DC I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno,Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. 

Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary .  .  . I do.  If not for the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it?  Good. 

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I  was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned  out to be a good move on your part. 

Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport." 

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. 

Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.

And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one-gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night
watchman.  And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. 

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter, unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.

I may be a pervert, but I'm also a realist.  I know that if the economy was going down the crapper, I'd-a been out on my fat ass after the '96 election. But I'm a lucky pervert - the economy is hotter than Paula Jones in a leather teddy. So think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

• "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
  
  "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
  
  "Why certainly!  I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
  
  "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
  
  "Yes?"
  
  "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?
  " said Yeltsin.
  
  "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan.  "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
  
  "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
  
  "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
  
  "Easily done. Anything else?"
  
  "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."