DIRTY JOKES

      Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and
take
 them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is
unable
to get an
 erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next
room,
 he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
      In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it
go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply
couldn't get
an erection." 
 The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he
 asked.
 "I couldn't even get on the bed! damn...!!! it was so high and that
bitch didnt even pull me up.... !!!

this guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. he looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

is it a boy or girl gorilla?  the service guy shows up with a stick, a pit bull dog, a revolver and a pair of hand cuffs.  he then gives the man some instructions.

now, i'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.   when he does, the trained pit bull dog will bite the gorilla's balls.  the gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handucffs on.

the man understands all of this so far.  he then asks but what do i do with the revolver?

if i fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog..

dada..

There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across
 from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after
 they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them.

 A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given
 flesh and they step down from their pedestals.  The angel says, "I
 have
 been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after
 hundreds of
 years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be
 quick--you
 only have fifteen minutes until you
 must become statues again."

 The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and
 run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the
 bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel,
 obviously satisfied.

 The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes--why
 not go back and do it again?"

 The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the
 woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time--you hold down
 the pigeon, and I'll shit on it...."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
 while
 he's
 drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
 olives
 off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,

 then
 jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it
 in
 his
 mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
     
 The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just
 did?"
 The guy says "No, what?"
 "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything

 in
 sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
 stuff".
 He
 finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
 then
 leaves.
     
 Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He

 orders
 a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
 man is
 finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
 He
 grabs
 it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
     
 The bartender is disgusted.
     
 "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
 "No, what?" replies the guy.
 "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate

 it!"
 said the bartender.
     
 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats
 everything
 in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures
 everything
 first."

Michael Jackson and his wife has just had a son and were in the
emergency room talking to the doctor.Michael Jackson asked the doctor,
"So how soon can we have sex?"The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at
least 12".


A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the
pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps
down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the
cue-ball.  The bartender said "Your monkey just ate the ball!!! GET OUT
NOW!!" the man left. Two months later the same man comes back with the
monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and graps a peanut,
shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it" The bartender said " Did
your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?" The man says
"Yeah ever since to cue-ball incident he checks everything for size" A
lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on
her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She
rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you
with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh
really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To
that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too
wide!"

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was
perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her
purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the
place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!". The waiter
looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"