FAMILY JOKES

Gay facts

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.  Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says,  "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay?  Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"  Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah,  Mom, well I guess so."  His mother went back to stirring the pot.

Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!

Mother Mother?

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like  my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man,  "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Storky Family

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.  Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying  "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night!  Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

Not in Use

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.  Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.  She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn't wear because they were out of style.  She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore."
"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'  So, here we are!"

Dear Mom and Dad:

  It has been four months since I left for college.  I have been remiss in   writing  and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness.  I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ... OK? Good. I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire,  shortly after my arrival,  are pretty well healed now.  I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I  can see almost normally and only get   three headaches a day now.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an  attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire  Department and the ambulance.   He also visited me at the hospital, and  since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind  enough to invite me to  share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we  have  fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.  We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.  I know how much you are looking forward  to being grandparents and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
 
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some  minor   infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood  tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.  This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.   He is kind,  and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a   different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your  years of   teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat   darker than we are.  I am sure you will love him as I do. His family   background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in his native Asian Indian village. I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull   fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged,  I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.  However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted  you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Myrim

Dishes

There's this guy who loves Harly Davidsons, and he sees a real cheap one in the paper and goes to buy it. The guy sells him the bike, and before leaving the ex-owner hands the guy a jar of vaseline. He says "Here, it won't rust if you smear some of this on when it rains!"
The guy thanks him and leaves...
Later that night the guy picks up his girlfriend and takes her to her parents' house. The woman says "What ever you do, don't talk during dinner, or you'll have to do the dishes."
The guy agrees and goes inside the house, smiles, and proceeds to the dining room where there must be near 5000 dishes.
During dinner, the guy can't stand the silence so he decides to try and get the parents to talk.
So he kisses his girlfriend, nothing. So he feels her tits, nothing.
So he fucks her on the table right in front of the parents. Still nothing. So he does the same with her mother.. kisses, feels, and fucks and still nothing.
Suddenly it starts to rain and the guy thinks to himself, 'Oh shit, the bike!'.  So he reaches into his pocket and gets out the jar of vaseline...
The father looks at him and says "No chance! I'll do the fuckin dishes!!"

Pussy

A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a licking he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken came out in front of him. He kicked the Chicken and his mother saw him and said, "I saw that! You cannot have any chicken for a month."
Later on in the barn - still mad- he kicked the pig he walked up to. His mother saw him again saying, "I saw that, young man. You can not have any pork for two months." The boy's father was just getting off his tractor when a cat walked by.  His father kicked the cat out of the way.
The boy saw his mother heading in that direction and spoke out, "Ma you want me to tell him or should I.

THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card
popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever   Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.

Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says I'll have a chocolate, the wife says I'll have a vanilla. Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "what do you want fat head?"
The lady helping them says, "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The 1st thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck.
The 2nd thing in life a man wants is a nice big house (come over here to the window) you see that nice big house on top of the hill there, that's my big house.
The 3rd thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy ......and I had that until fat head came along.

Spoilt Mommy.

     Mommy takes little Johnny to the zoo.  As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
     "What's that, Mommy?" ask the child.
     "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother as she swiftly leads him away.
     A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens "What's that, Daddy?"
     "That, son, is the elephant's penis." "Mommy said it was nothing."
     "Well, your mother's spoiled, Son."