INDIA JOKES

DRIVING IN INDIA
Driving Hints for Newcomers to India
                            
     For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring   to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.  They  are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside  a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate   within the domain of karma where you do  your best, and leave the results  to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:
            1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road?  The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied.   In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. 
Then proceed  by occupying the next available gap,as in chess.
            2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,and proceed.Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
            3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles  in the intended  direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate  yourself.   Except  for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better  position.
            4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to  cross the road.  You may do so only if you enjoy being  bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then,    let us not talk ill of the dead.
            5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and  bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just  mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the street or market.
            6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment.  You  may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when
overground  traffic meets underground drainage.
            7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan).  in a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record.  On encountering it, just pull partly into the  field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.  Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights  expecting reciprocation.  The only dim thing in the truck is the  driver, and the
peg of illicit  arrack he has had at the   last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of   India, and are licensed to   kill. Often you may
encounter a single  powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,usually the left one.  It could  be the right one, but  never get  too close to investigate.  You may prove your point posthumously.  Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
            8. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except  that the drivers will never show any signal.  (And you must watch for the absent signals they are a greater threat.)  Only, you will often  observe that   the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a   left turn.  The waving is just an expression of  physical relief on a hot   day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from  within. This is an illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing  bhajans. This pilgrims   go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting   with success.
                            
                               Unique to Indian traffic:
        Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision  between a  rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an   external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or  passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.  After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into  these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.  Then their school bags are pushed into  the   microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage.  Of course, the  peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school.  Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the  road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
                            
    Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver.  It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of  petrol and travels at  break-bottom speed.  As the sides of the road are too rough   for a  ride,the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road;   they  would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of  around them   and  are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
                            
        Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers are given  free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem.   There are  passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang
off the  railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity   but obeying laws  of surface tension.  As drivers get paid for   overload (so many Rupees  per kilogram of passenger), no questions are   ever asked. Steer   clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
                            
        One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic  people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives.  Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it
means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once.  So drive as  you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
                            
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.Rash  and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a  "speed breaker"; two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the  water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to  recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
                            
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined  in our constitution.

Sindhi Special

What do you call :

A god fearing Sindhi?  Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Marjani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lalwani
A Muslim Sindhi? Lalloo Katwani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi? Primlani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani

ABCD

We all must have heard of ABCD=American Born Confused Desi...
But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ =
American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways Xenophobic Yet Zestful