|
LAWYER JOKES
From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a subscription towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in
distressed circumstances. The barrister at once tendered a pound note.
"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while
you're at it, bury twenty of them!"
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do
a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of
rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an
ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned
expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes
to get an ounce of brains?"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with
him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this
in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the
funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine,
the priest suddenly broke into tears
and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed
$10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each
other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because
we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer
was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want
it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check
for the full $30,000."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the
blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't
want you to think the operation was a failure and you passed away."
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car
at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by
the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according
to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that
you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first
looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took
out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was
doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"
Lawyers - important
things you should know
What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
* Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once
launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up
everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked
lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting
him?
* It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical
creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third
question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
|
