LONG STORIES

This section houses some rather long ones. But each is a gem and will build up a cresendo of roars.

The Dangers of Cyber Sex

The following is a true story . . .
An anonymous girl lets call her jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado, like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her but off desining computer programs and installing software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. she was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. she was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line. So jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as jeremy, she
started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was "katie" and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue.
He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. soon they were having cybersex. this went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with jeremy again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. at the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. they became close, exchanging their lives, jen didnt' tell jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. she felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a year. bye the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. they were afraid of ruining the mystery.
They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together. they finally decided they had had enough. they wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. they didn't care about age or looks or anything but each other. jeremy told jen he thought she could be his next wife. jen was weary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with.
so...they planned a trip to meet in vale, colorado. they were going to spend the weekend together and finally meet. jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said, why don't you just get the room and we'll meet in the room that way there will be no mistake. jeremy agreed.
Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went into the room. she wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some music. she stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to  surprise jeremy when he got there. the time soon came the lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone walk in and around the corner, and she whispered,
"jeremy",
jeremy said, "katie?" (this was the false name she had given him.) "yes", she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see jen on the bed naked before him.
Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliating voice said, "dad?" and jeremy said, "JEN!!!"

Think of what you would do in this situation..Now realize this really did happen.
Their lives will never be the same.

THE JACK SCHITT STORY

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt.  O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.  Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth.  Next came twin sons:  Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters:  Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt.  Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.  In the mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.  Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.  Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers...  The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.  Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
So now not only do you know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!

Scientific dude.

There's a guy in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. :

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post ...  Hominid skull."  We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the
presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."  It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic.  Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.  Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. the specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on, and B. clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated.  This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.  To the best
of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.  Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.  While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.  You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.  We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.  We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities

RECENT LETTER FOUND IN A PERSONAL PROBLEMS ADVICE COLUMN

From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand.  I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.  My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters,  who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Englishman.  My father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute  who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.  I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.  Although I would prefer them not to prostitute  themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her  into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law who works at MICROSOFT?

The EEL

Little Jhonny was a 12 year old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered . INstead of explaning things to him told him to hide behind the curtains at night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. so the next day he told his mommy what he saw.....
  Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off the lights, and they started kissining and hugging.I figured she must be getting sick cuzher face started to look funny. He must of thought so to cuz he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, like a doctor. but he's not as
smart cuz he had trouble finding her heart . I think he got sick to cuz both of them started panting and getting outta breath. his other ahnd must of been cold cuz he put in her skirt. about this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. i knew that she had a fever cuz she told him she
was really hot. finally, i found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow . it just jumpe dout of his pants and stood ther about 10 inches long, honest, anywaywhen sis saw it she got scared her eyes got big, called to god and her mouth fell open. She said it was the biggest she'd ever seen: i should tell her aboout the ones at the lake, Anywasy sis got brave and tried to kill itby bitting off its head. all of a suddenshe grabbed it w/ both hands an dheld it tight while he took out a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep from bitting again. sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get s sisor - lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. the eel put up a hell of a fight. sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upsat the couch. i guess they wante dto kill the eel by squishing the eel between them. After a while they both quite moving and gave a sigh. her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they killed the eel. i knew it cuz it just hung there limp, and some of the insides hung out. they were a little tired from the fight, but went back to courting anywasy. they stared to hug and kiss again. By golly the eel wasn't dead!it jumped stright out and stared to fight again. i guess eels are like cats, 9 lives. this time sis, jumped on it and tried to kill it by sitting on it, after after a 35 min struggle they finally killed the eel. i know he was dead cuz sis's boyfriend peel off his skin off and flush it down the toilet

What A day!!!! - This is to be remembered when you think that you had a bad day today!

A man was working on his  motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the   house in the  kitchen.  The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and  somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still  holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door  and the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and  found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the  motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.   The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because  they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the  several flights of long steps to the street to direct the  paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and   transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted  the motorcycle and pushed it outside.  Seeing that
gas had  spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.  The husband was treated at the hospital and was released  to  come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered  patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became  despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and  smoked a cigarette.  After finishing the cigarette, he flipped  it between his legs into the toilet bowl  while still seated.  The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and  her husband screaming.  She ran into the
bathroom and found her  husband laying on the  floor.  His trousers had been blown away  and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his   legs and his groin.  The wife again ran to the
phone and called  for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the   wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband  on the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street.  While  they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied   by  the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband  had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started  laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped  the husband out.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day....

34 Ways to Annoy People

1.   Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2.   Sit in your yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if  they slow down.
3.   Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4.   If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5    Sing along at the Opera.
6.   Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
7.   Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
8.   Practice making fax and modem noises.
9.   Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10.  Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11.  Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
12.  Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13.  Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14.  Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15.  Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
16.  Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17.  Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18.  Honk and wave to strangers.
19.  Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20.  TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21.  type only in lower case.
22.  dont use any punctuation either
23.  Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24.  Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now".
25.  As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26.  Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin.  When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up" and repeat.
27.  Ask people what gender they are.
28.  While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
30.  Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32.  Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook.  Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
33.  Tell your friends 4 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
34.  Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

Back to the top

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.  So he offered him freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question.  Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer.  If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was:  What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since  it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:  the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.  In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.  What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer.  The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.  She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: 

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified:  she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises......  He had never run across such a repugnant creature.  He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.  Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Aurthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.  And so it went.  The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!  Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.  Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.  The old witch put her worst manners on display.  She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.

What a  sight awaited!  The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!  Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.  The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been
a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question?  Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice. Scroll Down.............

































Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.  Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.



What is the moral of this story?




THE MORAL IS;   THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL  ............ A WITCH !