SPORTS JOKES

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

The Genie Meanie

As Bill walked on the local beach one day, his foot tripped on a partially buried bottle.  Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to expose the label.  Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a huge Genie appeared.

"Thank you - oh, thank you for saving me from the prison I've been in.  I've been in there for hundreds, no, thousands of years.  As a expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish."

Bill knew exactly what to ask for.  "I wish for Peace in the Middle East."

The Genie seemed confused.  "Middle East... Middle East... I can't seem to remember... can you help me out a little?

Bill, who as a Boy Scout was always prepared, pulled out his pocket almanac and turned to the map of the world, recounting briefly the long-standing geopolitical instability of the area.

The Genie's eyes widen and he says "Oh, yeah.  Now I remember.  The Middle East!  Whew.  That's a tough one.  You know, they've been fighting over there quite literally for millennia.  I hate to admit it, but I think that's more than I can handle.  I'm sorry.  Can you wish for something else?"

Bill, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, can think of only one other wish:

"Could you get The Philadelphia Eagles into the Super Bowl again?"

With this the Genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Let's have a look at that map again."

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost.  He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.  The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded!  When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.  I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.  "You'd be
amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Coach Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team.  The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.  He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.  In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away-ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards
away-ka-blooey!  Then a car passed, going 90 mph - bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Reid said to himself.  "He has the perfect arm!"  So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is idolized as the Great Hero of football, and when Reid asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.  "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."  "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You deserted us.  You are not my son." 
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads.  "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." 
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I'll never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia."