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QUOTES
Lessons of Life
Kiddie Proverbs and Quotes
Tactful One Liners
Heaven vs Hell
MARRIAGE QUOTES
Computer Quotes
Life Lessons according to Melrose Place
1. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
better
job at twice the salary.
2. Never sleep with your boss or co-worker. Just kidding. You should
do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a
fire,curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of
straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face,really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't
convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding!
Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be
sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...
or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in
some
way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up
and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off
your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll
be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane
asylum where you'll be bound in a straight jacket and heavily sedated.
18. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week,
sleep
with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around
forever.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked
you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of
times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't
mean that you can't carpool to work with them
Tactful
one liners
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Kiddie
Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest. These are great:
* As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
* Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
* Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
* It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
* Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Cheese.
* You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
* Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
* No News Is... Impossible.
* A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
* You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
* If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
* Love All, Trust.. Me
* The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
* An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
* Where There's Smoke, There's... Cigarettes.
* Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
* A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
* Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
* Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
* Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
* None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
* Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
* If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
* You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
* When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
* There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
"Should women have children after 35?
"No, 35 children are enough!"
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around
the Sun.
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends
Love is photogenic; It needs darkness to develop
A good discussion is like a miniskirt;
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!
Children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !
A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began,
you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great," the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
"What book do you like the best?"
"My husband's cheque book."
Heaven
vs Hell
HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE :
AN AMERICAN SALARY
A BRITISH HOME
CHINESE FOOD
A GERMAN CAR & AN INDIAN WIFE ...
HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE :
AN AMERICAN CAR
A BRITISH WIFE
A CHINESE HOME
GERMAN FOOD &
AN INDIAN SALARY ....
COMPUTER
SAYINGS
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1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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